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| Fact: |
A man was in court charged
with
parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had
anything
to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading
notices," said
the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE." |
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| Fact: |
As a
senior citizen was
driving down
the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
on the news that
there's a
car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be
careful!"
"Hell," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of
them!" |
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| Fact: |
One day there was a family
driving in the
car to Michigan to
visit their relatives. They were looking for the
street they had to turn on
to get to their relatives house. They
accedently
turned on the wrong
street so they had to pull in a
driveway and turn around. When
they
pulled into the driveway the girl
asked her mother "Why dont these people
have electricity?" Very
confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking
about?" The
girl quickly
replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO
OUTLET!" |
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| Fact: |
A man is driving along in the
Irish
countryside, when he
comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of
petrol, the man decides
to stop. He says to the attendant at the
station, "Fill
it up, will
you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right
out of petrol." So the man
considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low
on oil, would you mind
topping that
up?" And the attendant
responds"Sorry, but no oil either."
The man thinks, and asks
the attendant
to wash his windscreen, to which
he gets the by-now predictable
response that he can't do that. The man
at this point is fairly mad,
so he asks
the attendant "Just what kind
of petrol station is this
?" The attendant then looks
both ways, and
very carefully whispers
to the man "To tell you the truth, this is
just
an IRA front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up
the tyres
!" |
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| Fact: |
For all of you with teenagers or who have
had
teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have
a
lot
in common with cats:
- Neither teenagers nor cats
turn their heads when
you call them by
name.
- No matter what
you do for them, it is not enough.
Indeed, all humane
efforts are
barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of
waiting
on them
hand and foot.
- You rarely see a cat walking outside of the
house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no
teenager in
his or her right
mind wants to be seen in public with his
or her parents.
-
Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno,
neither your cat nor your
teen will ever
crack a smile.
- No
cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
- Cats
and teenagers
can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving,
barely breathing.
- Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry o
n as if they
did.
- Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same
manner, communicating
that
ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of
complete and utter boredom.
- Cats and
teenagers do not improve
anyone's furniture.
- Cats that are free to roam
outside
sometimes have been known to
return in the middle of the night to deposit
a dead animal in your bedroom.
Teenagers are not above that sort of
behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources
of advice are not
other
parents, but veterinarians. It is also a
good idea to keep a
guidebook on cats at
hand at all times. And
remember, above all else, put
out the food and do not make
any sudden
moves in their direction. When
they make up their minds, they will
finally come to you for some
affection and comfort, and it will be a
triumphant
moment for all
concerned. |
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| Fact: |
A woman is walking in the park when she
sees a man
playing chess with
his cat. She says to the man "I can't believe
what I'm seeing, a cat
that plays chess, what a clever animal!!"
The man
replied "Nah lady
this cats not clever at all I'm beating it
6 games to 1" |
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| Fact: |
Little Tim
was in the garden filling
in a hole
when his neighbor peered over the
fence. Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "Whatcha doing,
Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking
up.
"And I've
just buried him."
The neighbor was
concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because
he's inside your cat." |
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| Fact: |
A mother was reading a book about
animals to
her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child:
"Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother:
"Oh,
you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed
little 3 year-old
looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice
replied, "Bud." |
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