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| Fact: |
David received a parrot for his birthday. This
parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives
were, to
say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's
attitude.
He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft
music, he did
anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he
yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird
got madder and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put
the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking, kicking and screaming
and then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and
quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have
offended you
with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven
ess. I will try
to correct my behavior."
David was
astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had
changed him when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the
chicken did?" |
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| Fact: |
A man asked his wife, "What would you most
like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten
again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
and they
went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park
- the Death
Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a
go on every ride
there was.
She staggered out of the theme
park five hours later, her head reeling
and her stomach
turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At
last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into
bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey,
I meant dress
size!" |
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| Fact: |
A couple have not been getting along for years,
so the husband
thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for
her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next
year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he doesn't get
her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday
present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!" |
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| Fact: |
Home - A -
Age Jokes
"That's an
excellent essay for someone your age," said the English
teacher.
"How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"
"Welcome to
school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the
new boy.
"How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly
new."
Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school
magazine.
"How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred.
"I'm not going
to tell you that," she replied.
"But Mr Hill the technical teacher
and Mr Hill the geography teacher
told me how old they were."
"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them."
The
poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss
Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as
the
Hills.
"Now remember, boys and girls," said the science
teacher, "you can
tell a tree's age by counting the rings in
a cross section. One ring
for each year."
Fred went home for
tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.
"I'm not eating that,
Mum!" she said. "It's five years old."
Grandma:
You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate
every one.
Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?
Grandma: Yes, I do.
Fred: Well, you can have mine.
How old is your
wife?
Approaching forty.
From which direction?
An
eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was
correct
that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.
`That's
right,' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I
haven't an
enemy in the world. They're all dead.'
`Well, sir,' said the
interviewer, `I hope very much to have the
honour of interviewing
you on your hundredth birthday.'
The old man looked at the young
man closely, and said, `I can't see
why you shouldn't. You
look fit and healthy to me!' |
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| Fact: |
Johnny was racing
around the garden on his
new bicycle and called out to his mother to
watch his tricks.
'Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No
teeth!' |
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| Fact: |
First boy: Are you having a party for your
birthday?
Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do.
First boy:
What's a witch do?
Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting
spells. |
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| Fact: |
One day two blind men started
fighting.
Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.
Then one of the members of
the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on the
one with the
knife."
Both men ran away. |
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